WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD
written by Molly Shilling
Welcome to Hollywood is Molly's first attempt at an experimental meditation on Judaism and the media.
FADE IN:
INTERIOR. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING - NIGHT
Molly Shilling walks down the aisle on HOUSE LEFT and bounds up the stairs. She sets her notebook on the stool and steps up to the microphone.
MOLLY
So, my name is Molly Shilling.
This is my first time performing
here. This is my first time
performing anywhere, but I'm so
excited to be giving it a try
with all of you. Now, my
grandmother's name is Rachael
Rosen. I know what you're all
thinking, yes, I'm Jewish.
(Molly pauses.)
And, it's hard to find a name
more Jewish than that, well,
except for my friend Rebekah
Rosen-Green-Goldberger-Stein.
(Quiet laughter.)
Now, I'm very proud of my religion and culture. My family even fought in WWII, and I have a dagger to prove it. But a bunch of ignorant people like to erase our accomplishments by saying that our only achievement was taking over the entertainment industry. Obviously, I'm not helping.
(She pauses.)
But I do have an explanation for why our people seem to flock to Show-Biz.
MOLLY
How many of you have ever heard of the story of Passover? Or, the basic plot of the DreamWorks movie, The Prince of Egypt?
MOLLY (CONT'D)
Basically, at this point in
history, the Jewish people have
been enslaved in Egypt for
thousands of years. The story
goes that God, through
Moses, sent ten plagues to Egypt
to aid in the freeing of the
Israelites. If you're ever
wondering what makes us so
dramatic, go no further than
looking at Moses. It's that guy's
fault. I mean, the first plague
made sense. His opener was
turning the river to blood. It
was a good way to show off God’s
power without hurting anyone.
But then, Moses gets annoyed with
Pharaoh and starts getting petty.
His pettiness outranks anyone
else's in history.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTER SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
MOSES
Okay, Pharaoh is really pissing
me off now. I mean, this is
getting ridiculous. What should
my next move be?
GOD
Boils.
MOLLY
Isn't that kind of mundane? I
mean why not send disease or
famine?
MOSES
No, no, no. I totally get it.
Let's hit them where it hurts.
Their complexions.
MOLLY
You petty bitch.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
I truly wish that I could've
talked through the idea behind
the plague of the boils with them. It is
the most random. Besides
darkness, which was just
inconvenient. In case you didn't
know, one of the plagues was
literally just getting rid of the
sunlight so everyone had to work
in the dark. I mean, I know that
God is probably a busy person,
but darkness? Lame. If God is
really all-knowing, why not just
start with the final plague,
Death of the First Born?
(She shakes her head.)
I'm not sure how much you guys
know about the holiday of
Passover. Basically, to celebrate
escaping Egypt, we aren't allowed
to eat leavened bread of any kind.
Let me tell you something about
me:
(Molly takes a
dramatic pause.)
Bread is all I eat.
(Getting increasingly
angrier and louder.)
And if God had just gotten to
the freaking point, and killed
the Egyptians faster, I wouldn't
have to be so damn hungry and
grouchy every spring!
(muttering.)
No pasta, no wraps, no pizza, no
croutons, (which is the best part
of a salad), no pancakes, no
waffles, I do not eat healthy food.
And now I have to eat potatoes for
eight days. Trust me, it gets
old. Anyway, where was I?
(She pauses.)
Oh! We are an overly dramatic
bunch because of Moses and God.
What can I say, we were truly
made in his image.
MOLLY (CONT'D)
Let me elaborate: Everyone has
made that dumb decision to skip
the tutorial for a new game or
program. Be honest. We've all
done it. What if I told you, that
God did it too?
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
GOD
(Humming and working
on a little MacBook.
Yes, heaven has
those.)
Okay, okay. I think I've got it.
(He scratches his
beard.)
Oh, that little guy looks like me.
Yeah, who needs that stupid time-
waster? Not ah-me. Now, let's see
how everyone's doing...
(He clicks the little
arrow at the bottom,
and the screen shows
the growing of a
civilization.)
Ooh, here we go. Wait what?
(He observes theft,
murder, and cruelty
among his people.)
Oh, shit.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
And, we all know what happened
from there. God sent a flood to
wipe out the people he had
created in His image. And thank
god he did, because we don't have
any theft, murder, or general
cruelty now!
I choose to believe that
it was the stories we were told
that influenced our people's
flock to the Entertainment
Industry. Unfortunately, the true
story is not as fun.
MOLLY (CONT'D)
We lived in Eastern Europe in the
19th century and we loved to tell
jokes and stories in Yiddish
Theaters. These types of
professional theaters exploded
across Europe, with professional
acting and producing jobs opening
up too (Yentob, "Now that's what
I call chutzpah: the Jewish
contribution to the entertainment
business"). Although, it wasn't long
until the government noticed Jews in
large numbers in their cities. They
decided to ban Yiddish theater, and effectively shut down the Jewish
people’s only source of income. But,
what're you gonna do?
(Molly shrugs and
looks down.)
Well, if you come from a people
who have been kicked out of
nearly every nation they've gone
to, you know that all you have to
do is find someplace that hasn't
met you yet. So, they went to the
United States. Land of the Free
and home of the Brave. As long as
you’re not African American or
Muslim or Mexican or LGBTQA.
About 2.5 million Jews
moved westward and settled in
America. With them, they brought
their storytelling traditions and
their self-deprecating style of humor
and satire with them. And we’ve
been improving the media industry
ever since. You're welcome.
MOLLY
“Their [Jews’] greatest danger to
this country lies in their large
ownership and influence in our motion
pictures ... ” Charles Lindbergh said
that (Lipiner "American Jews: The True
Hollywood Story"). Even if that
was true, it'd still be ridiculous
how many stereotypes still make it on
the screen.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTER SCREEN SHOWS MOLLY'S HOME, LOVELAND, OH - DAY
Molly is sitting on her couch watching TV and eating Somoas, (the BEST Girl Scout cookies).
TV SHOW SECRETARY
(Running up to the
Judge and flailing
her arms as if she's
on fire.)
Judge Rosen-Greenberger! I need
your signature on this
immediately!
MOLLY
(Looking at the
audience like she's
on the Office.)
I mean are you kidding me? We're
not all lawyers!
MOLLY'S BROTHER
Mom's a lawyer.
MOLLY
(Without missing a
beat.)
Withdrawn.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
But seriously, I love when there
are honest portrayals of Jewish
people in TV. For instance, in
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Midge
may seem over-dramatic. But she's
dead-on. I swear I've said the
phrase:
(In exaggerated New
York accent.)
“Nobody’s happy, it’s Yom Kippur.”
MOLLY (CONT'D)
Her character is scary accurate. And
If you haven't seen it yet, you need
to. Midge's mother, is my
grandmother. Both are lovely
people, who blow everything out
of proportion in the most
hilarious ways. Only a Jewish
mother can smile at her daughter
on her wedding day, and also tell
her that her earrings look like
they belong on a prostitute. It's
truly magical.
Someone asked me recently why I
talk so much about the Marvelous
Mrs. Maisel.
(Beat.)
That is a stupid question.
(Molly laughs.)
I never stop talking about this
show because it’s the first show
I’ve ever seen about Jewish
characters where their religion
isn’t the butt of a joke.
Let me explain; on friends, three
of the six characters are Jewish.
Not that the viewers would ever
know except for the brief mention
of Hanukkah during the Christmas
episode.
(Beat.)
Or how Schmidt on the show New Girl is
one of my favorite Jewish characters
on TV. Which is pretty sad. The writers
make fun of his religion every so often,
but they never allow him to celebrate
his religion. One of the ‘jokes’ on the
show has Schmidt asking his friends if he looks “too Jewish” and then he says,
“I mean like, good Jewish or bad Jewish?”
(Friedman 7 Strangest Jewish Jokes on 'New Girl').
(She pauses.)
What?
Although, this does lead me into a
theory. I agree with the writers. I
believe that there is a thing as ‘too
Jewish’ and that the Jewish people walk
a fine line in the media. Because, on
one side of the line there are the
nut-jobs who are just looking for
another excuse to hate us. But on the
other side, are the people who
genuinely enjoy our type of humor.
So, when making a show like the
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, you need
your actors to look stereotypically
Jewish, but not actually be Jewish.
Let me explain: I am Jewish. Yet,
I have blue eyes and (fake) blonde
hair. But if I were an actor, I
would never be cast as a Jewish woman
on the show. Yet, Tony Shalhoub? I
received a comment from someone saying
that he passed as Jewish because he
would be considered Ashkenazi. As in,
he’s from the correct part of the world.
(She pauses.)
Fun Fact. I’m Ashkenazi. And, I’m
confident that he was cast because he
looks stereotypically Jewish. Not
because of his heritage. Audiences
would get uncomfortable to see someone
like me portray a Jew because I don’t
fit the typical description.
Okay fine. But what about Natalie
Portman?
First of all; How dare you speak her
name in my presence.
So, true story. I’ve never met Natalie Portman. But her grandmother and my grandfather died on the same day. And
my grandfather was an amazing man.
He was called “The Marrying Judge” and
married 1,262 couples in his years in
office (Knippenberg, “Jack Rosen, the 'marrying judge'”). Over 400 people
came to his funeral. Well, not the
original funeral. His first funeral was
bumped for Natalie Portman’s grandmother.
(She pauses.)
All I’m saying is they could’ve at least
given us an autograph.
MOLLY (CONT'D)
Sarcasm, self-deprecating humor,
honesty. These are all trademarks
of Jewish humor. All the best
rabbis use them. My favorite
comedian, John Mulaney, uses them
too. Mulaney is a beautiful
shiksa who finally found himself
a decent woman. He's Catholic,
but loves Jewish women. He said
in his stand-up routine, New In
Town, that he likes how upfront
we are with our emotions. Which,
is true. I'm a crier. If I'm
happy, sad, angry, hungry, I'll
cry about it. It's kind of my
thing. But wow, that is a weird
thing to brag about! I mean yes
we're hilarious people who argue
for fun, but lots of people do
that. Side-note, the whole
arguing thing is not a
stereotype. It is absolutely
true. We have a version of the
Torah, which has commentary on
every page from Rabbis arguing
with each other about what God
really meant. It's what we do.
But I mean, we have done such
amazing things, as a people. Why
focus on how we convey our
emotions, John? We have mastered
the art of stand-up, and
standing-up. Seriously, we have
done it all. In 1811, the phrase
'stand-up' was first used to
describe a courageous person in a
fist fight. It then developed to
mean holding your ground in a
battle. And in 1966, it was first
used to describe comedians "stand-up|
Origin and meaning of stand-up by
Online Etymology Dictionary”). But,
it also describes my favorite
moment in modern Jewish history.
MOLLY (CONT'D)
On March 25, 1965, Dr. Martin
Luther King Jr. and his
supporters marched from Selma to
Montgomery. Marching next to
King, was Rabbi Abraham Joshua
Heschel (Schulweis "Two Prophets,
One Soul: Rev. Martin Luther King
Jr. and Rabbi Abraham Joshua
Heschel). When the Jewish people
were persecuted during WWII, and
survived, they vowed 'Never
Again'. It makes me so proud to
be able to say, we meant it. The
Jewish people stood by the
African Americans, and even
today, Jewish people across the
nation protested the Muslim ban.
Some Jews perform stand-up. The rest,
stand up.
MOLLY
For instance, the great Lenny Bruce
used his platform to fight for
freedom of speech to apply to the
obscenity he used in his acts. Some
of which included occasionally using
Yiddish phrases such as “schmuch”
(Brewster, "Remembering Lenny Bruce
and a First Amendment controversy").
Jon Stewart spoke about politics on
his show every episode! Of course,
he was playing a character on satirical
news show, but even today he’s still
standing up for his beliefs. On March
5th, Stewart stood on Capitol Hill and
demanded that the 9/11 healthcare
program be left alone (CNN "Jon
Stewart slams 9/11 health program
proposal”).
Or Sarah Silverman who, in her 2018
Stand Up show; A Speck of Dust,
quietly referenced the Cheeto in Chief
in her act.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
SARAH SILVERMAN
“I tweeted something and it made
people feel the need to express,
um, wanting to kill me… When you’re
a comedian now, you really have to
think things through before you post
them, you know, on twitter. Who do
we think we are, presidents?”
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
I’ve tried to speak up, but it’s hard.
I really admire what these people do.
It takes a lot of courage to fight
back.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN SHOWS LOVELAND MIDDLE SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
Molly and her classmates were lined up against the wall, waiting for the classroom to empty.
JOHNNY
Hey
MOLLY
Yeah?
JOHNNY
(Pointing to MOLLY's
forehead.)
Where are they?
MOLLY
What?
JOHNNY
Aren't you guys supposed to have
horns?
END FLASHBACK.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
The summer of my sophomore year in
high school, my family went to
France. It was the first time in
my life that I had to take off my
Star of David necklace.
(Molly holds out her necklace.)
I got this necklace as a gift for
my B'nai Mitzvah. I never take it
off. But when we went abroad, it
was the summer of the Je Suis
Charlie protests and what some
people were calling Kristallnacht
2.0. A bunch of Jewish shops had
been vandalized and broken into.
It was really unnerving to take off
my necklace. It really made me realize
just how vulnerable I really am.
Also, just how little it takes to set
some people off.
Fortunately, the fear passed quickly
and I was able to forget about the
rising antisemitism around the world.
I just enjoyed my vacation.
I thank God that I have never faced any
substantial harassment or
violence due to my religion. Just
the normal stuff:
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN SHOWING LOVELAND HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
BRIANNA
Why'd you kill Jesus?
MOLLY
He never brought me what I wanted
for Christmas.
COLE
Go back to Jew-land.
MOLLY
Aw yes, Jew-land. I've heard
they're finally updating the wave
pool and adding a new roller
coaster. I can't wait to check it
out.
JOHNNY
Aren't you supposed to have a big
nose and curly hair?
MOLLY
(She puts her fingers
up to her lips.)
Shhh, don't tell anyone.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
In reality, I only made the
snarky comment to Cole. That was
awesome. I'm still proud of that
joke. But it really sucks that in
2018, we still have antisemitism
alive and well. There are police
that guard my synagogue and a
swastika on the playground. But
at least we run the media, right?
No, but, it's a weird era to be
in. We have a KKK endorsed
president in office and the alt-
right is making a comeback.
Well, they call themselves the
alt-right. We call them Nazis.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
LT. ALDO RAINE (FROM INGLORIOUS
BASTERDS)
"And once we're in enemy
territory, as a bushwhackin'
guerrilla army, we're gonna be
doin' one thing and one thing
only... killin' Nazis. Now, I
don't know about y'all, but I
sure as hell didn't come down
from the goddamn Smoky Mountains,
cross five thousand miles of
water, fight my way through half
of Sicily and jump out of a
fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the
Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi
ain't got no humanity. They're
the foot soldiers of a Jew-
hatin', mass murderin' maniac and
they need to be dee-stroyed."
(Tarantino, “Inglorious Basterds”).
2017 RACIST PROTESTOR IN
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA
(He holds a Walmart
tiki torch.)
Jews will not replace us!
LT. ALDO RAINE
Son, are you aware that you are
sympathizing with Nazis?
2017 RACIST PROTESTOR
No. I am with the Alt-Right. We
are not Nazis.
LT. ALDO RAINE
Explain.
(He crosses his arms.)
2017 RACIST PROTESTOR We focus on "America First", like President Trump. What this means is that we need to be focusing on Americans in the United States before working on other nations. We need to help our own citizens before sending aid to Puerto Rico.
LT. ALDO RAINE
As I am told, that is a U.S.
Territory.
2017 RACIST PROTESTOR
(He pauses.)
No.
LT. ALDO RAINE
From what you're tellin me,
you're not a Nazi. But, you've
adapted a Nazi slogan from
"Germany First" to "America
First". An, you seem to hate the
Jews and other marg-een-o-lized
groups. Now, tell me, do y'all
wear a uniform?
2017 RACIST PROTESTOR
No?
LT. ALDO RAINE
Then, we're gonna have to mix
things up a bit.
(He pulls out his
knife and begins
cleaning the blade
with his shirt.)
You see, without the uniform, how
will w'ever tell y'all apart?
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
For those of you who don’t get the
reference, in the movie, Lt. Aldo
Raine doesn’t like the idea that
once WWII is over, the Nazis get to
take off their uniforms and nobody
will ever know what they did. But, he
has a solution. When his team captures
POWs, they carve a swastika into their foreheads so that they can’t forget what they’ve done. And neither will anyone who
sees them. It’s an excellent film with a relatively happy ending with a little
Jewish vengeance thrown in there, too.
But, that’s one of the problem with
the Nazis coming back. There are no
uniforms.
(She looks around wildly.)
They could be anywhere! In this room
even! And even though John Mulaney
isn’t Jewish, I think he summed it up
best when he said, “Jews don't daydream
'cause folks are always after 'em and
they gotta stay sharp, you know what
I mean? They have to be there They
haven't let their minds wander
since Egypt!” ("JOHN MULANEY: NEW IN
TOWN (2012)”).
(Molly pauses, lost in thought.)
There’s a famous Yiddish joke about
an old Jewish man and his bowl of soup
that makes every Hebrew student groan.
Lucky for all of you, I updated it a
little bit.
So, an old Jewish man comes into Panera every day for broccoli cheddar soup.
And one day, he goes back up to the
counter holding his bowl.
INT. 113 CARNEGIE PROJECTOR SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
OLD JEWISH MAN
Taste the soup.
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE
What?
OLD JEWISH MAN
You heard me. Taste the soup.
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE
Listen, Dude. That’s weird. No.
OLD JEWISH MAN
Are those really what you want your last words to me to be?
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE
What?
OLD JEWISH MAN
(Staring the kid down and
holding out his bread bowl.)
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE
(They go to try the soup.)
There’s no spoon.
OLD JEWISH MAN
Aha!
INT. 113 CARNEGIE BUILDING STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY
I wish I had the courage of that
old Jewish man. I would’ve just
drank the soup out of the bowl.
(She smiles.)
Well, that’s my time. Thank you so
much, everyone. You’ve been a great
audience! Have a great night!
Gutn ovnt! !גוטן אָוונט